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Hi NGTrends Readers,
We’ve had a casual on/off thing for a few years, but we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend or anything — not even dating. Never went out to dinner, cinema, bars, etc. I never met her family/friends and she never met mine. I’ve always made it clear that as a divorced man, I didn’t want to get married, have children, or even have a ‘relationship’ with her. It’s always just been late night s8x a couple of times a month (with her initiating). We never had much in common, being different ages and types of people. I am 45 and she is 22 years old.
Now she’s three months pregnant (failed pill) and has issued an ultimatum that we move in together or else she’ll make it as difficult as possible for me with the courts/custody, ‘out of spite’ (her words). I have offered as much assistance as is needed, including taking time off work, helping overnight. But she insists on 24/7 or nothing. We should move in and ‘work on our relationship’.
Am I wrong not to accept this? This was unplanned but she’s chosen to keep the baby (she’s been talking about them for years). She has a history of going into emotional rages, which I guess I didn’t have to tolerate previously, but now I’m forced to listen as she irrationally attacks every aspect of my character and life as if I’m the worst person in the world — for hours at a time — then maybe climbing into my bed a little later; I asked her to leave.
This is not a person I would willingly be in a relationship with, as I don’t enjoy drama or conflict. I prefer to talk things out calmly and reach a compromise — without exaggerations, mischaracterisations and contemptuous insults. I haven’t called her names or said anything negative about her, I do my best not to get upset as she screams at me. Am I the terrible person she’s making out — for ‘not even trying’?
Edit: I read this back and it seems like I’m fishing for support and validation, which I guess I kind of am, now that I think about it. It’s been a rough few weeks and it’s all coming to a head now. On the other hand, I can see that she’s upset because (1) I’m not as excited as she is about having a baby (2) I don’t want us to be a ‘family’ now. Those two are leading to a little reluctance to get fully engaged on my part.